Referendum was opinion poll – Remainers

The British people have been commended for their mass participation in the biggest ever opinion poll. There were a record breaking 33,551,983 participants – or 72% of those who had been invited to participate.

The poll asked participants whether they thought Britain should remain in the EU, or leave the EU.

Participants took place on a voluntary, unpaid basis. The most dedicated among them took to canvassing the streets and writing campaign material. Some even made donations to insure that their opinion gained the most support.

A roaring success

Leave supporter Richard Smith expressed his pleasure at the result:

“This opinion poll has been a roaring success! We now have reliable information that the majority of the British people want Britain to leave the European Union. Just look at that sample size. YouGov have been totally outclassed!”

A misapprehension

But Mr Smith admitted that he had originally been under a misapprehension:

“I have to admit that when I took part, I thought it was a “referendum”. Britain had reached a fork in the road, and we were deciding which path to take. If we voted to remain in the EU, we would remain in the EU; if we voted to leave the EU, we would leave the EU…”

“As I recall, that’s what everyone was saying – Remain, Leave, Undecided and Neutral to a man.”

“But a very charming member of Britain Stronger in Europe has since told me that it was in fact a “very large opinion poll”. Apparently I made a silly mistake. In fact we were all just really anxious to set a world record for most impressive opinion poll.”

A perplexing question

When asked what use the opinion poll would serve, Mr Smith replied that he wasn’t sure:

“One idea was that the government would act in accordance with the wishes of the people. That would mean invoking Article 50 and beginning the process of Britain leaving the EU.”

“But I heard another chap say that it would set a worrying precedent because if the government listened to the people once, who’s to say they wouldn’t do it again in the future…”

A cheerful Remainer

Meanwhile, Remain supporter Emma Harding was surprisingly upbeat about the result of the opinion poll:

“The British people have given their view, and it’s not the right view. That’s despite the fact that we explained the right view to them in simple sentences while speaking extra slowly.”

“But I am happy with the result – it means the government now has a golden opportunity to make it clear that it couldn’t care less what the British public thinks by keeping us in the EU regardless of the vote.”

“The referendum was advisory, and parliament is sovereign. I am sure the legal challenge against Theresa May invoking Article 50 through use of the royal prerogative will succeed. I look forward to seeing a majority of MPs vote against the express wishes of the public by voting against the proposal to honour the referendum result which will eventually be put before them.”

“Some rather odd people have talk about having to respect the vote because we live in a democracy.” 

“Yes… but this is a British democracy!”